The life and times of a happy go lucky blogger in London
A double dose of karma…
Categories: funny, lifestyle

Sometimes I think there is a greater power. Take this; we have started to get so sick of the hideous morning news full of carnage and mayhem. So, I know I shouldn’t have, but when the news came on the radio about a plane crash, I looked at Miniminx and she was about to start sobbing into her Gorilla Munch. It was time to lighten the mood.

‘Mummy this is awful, turn it off, it’s terrible’
‘No, no darling, listen, it’s not happening everyday’
‘But Mum she said 59 people dead’
‘Did she get it wrong again? I thought there were 58 people on the plane’ (the Radio 4 newsreader does tend to get things wrong on occasion including the time which get us in all sorts of muddles when it’s an hour fast)
‘They said 58 people on the plane, 59 dead’
‘Maybe it fell on someone’
‘No, Maaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrm, that’s aaaaaaawful’
‘Darling, don’t be sad, the day has hardly started…’
‘Why can’t we have good news,’ close to blubbing, poor little thing
‘I know, but the world’s a big place’
I put my hand on hers and wonder how many more times I’m going to have to turn the radio off, or should I just turn it off for good, with all this stuff going on
‘How about we play a game to make the news more fun’
‘Like how? It’s not fun, it’s boring’
‘How about we turn the stories into three words.’
‘Like how?’
‘Well that story – plane, man, squished – geddit?’
‘Oh yeah Mum, that’s funny’

Then at the weekend, I went for a family Saturday lunch. As the pub is just on the river at the end of my road, I didn’t dress up, so I left my heels at home and wore a pair of light shoes. When we got there I was intent on getting us a great table and ran around like a mad thing trying to get one. The pub floor is carpeted so my footsteps barely made a sound. I walked up to a staircase and as I did, placed my hand on the back of a well dressed gentlemen’s chair.

‘AAAAAAAAH! Oooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!’ the poor man jumped in the air
‘What – oh my god, are you o-okay?’ I said – he’d scared me back you know.

‘I’m of a very nervous disposition, you scared the living daylights out of me’ he said and was visibly shaken. He stood up and he only reached my shoulder, which made me feel even worse. He was so dapper and neat but terrified out of his wits. How could I have done this I thought?
‘I’m so, so sorry, is there anything I can do’ I put my hand on his shoulder to calm him.
Cue my whole family behind me sniggering, snorting, in fact the bastards were baying with laughter by this point. So the whole gang of us proceeded to laugh, kind of like the baby robots in that 70s Smash ad.

‘Is that your reserved table up there’ said the charming man with a delectable grin, he was really very nice and I felt terrible
‘Um, no, it’s not. So sorry to have bothered you.’
‘Oh. Well’ he said beaming, ‘Now you know I have an extremely nervous disposition’

I stepped backwards, feeling the need to crawl into a dark corner. No, actually, that’s a lie, I had to get my god awful hyaena family away from the poor man. We bid a fond farewell, had lunch and went home.

So Sunday, what a beautiful day, I went to the gym and expected to skip home in the sunshine. Only it wasn’t to be. When I emerged from my temple of fitness it was pissing with rain. Heavily. I even had to take my sunglasses off, god forbid, on a Sunday as well. As I walked, the rain got worser…the more I walked the worse it got. My feet sloshed in my trainers, my jeans were sodden. Yuck.

I crossed the road thinking I might be able to get shelter under some trees and then it came. First a very loud rumble, like the roar of a motorbike. But then it came louder, and louder, like a car crash – what’s this noise I thought, it was like an earthquake. Then came the loudest smack-bam-kaboom-crack, above my head. I looked up, and saw a massive flash of lightning right above my head and right next to it a plane.

My bleeding number’s up I thought.
‘AAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGHHHH’ I screamed my head off in terror, and it all happened so quick I didn’t even realise it was me. And then silence, and more rain. I self conscioulsy put my hands back down by my sides, having unwittingly cowered beneath them, and started sniggering to myself more out of nervousness than amusement. In that split second, I thought the plane was about to crash on my head, thank heavens it didn’t.

So there you have it, my double-whammy-instant-karma-shocky-wocky-doo-dah… Time to give up the three letter morning news and no more tiptoeing around pubs – I can’t take the payback.

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