Nixdminx
The life and times of a happy go lucky blogger in London
amy sedaris and the spider from mars
Categories: blogging mums, funny

I’m having a rather large glass of wine after a shambolic episode. I’m sure everyone down my street heard, I’m sure they even heard me on the other side of the river.

I’m quite jumpy so everyone in this neighbourhood is used to my occasional squawks but this was a corker.

I saw a spider.
I screamed.
Then I screamed again.
And then I screamed really loudly. And then some more.

This was no ordinary arachnid. Huge, leggy and fast. I had spotted it on the stairs before and sneakily left it for the cleaner to hoover up. I thought it was languishing in the Dyson but the bloody thing has, or rather had, reappeared.

Let me rewind to the early evening that was going alright and then started to go a little bit more than wrong. After finishing work, cooking Miniminx her dinner, clearing up, sticking some more stuff in the oven (still got NTA) and then getting Miniminx to practise her guitar, I decided to get the bath on and bring the chaos of the day to a close. But it was only the beginning.

We went upstairs to gather bathrobes and towels and I noticed by my foot a massive spider. For the first time in years, I had a phobic reaction and leapt in the air screaming. And like Mother, like daughter, so did Miniminx.

‘Spidaarghhh.’ I wailed, I was reduced to minimalistic sentences.
‘Aaaarghhh’
‘AAAAAAAAAAAArgggh’ I replied and in a state of heightened anxiety.
‘Where is it?’
‘Go to your room and I’ll….’ I looked around frantically. It had gone.
But where? It was in my bedroom, with me!
‘AAAAAARGHHH – it’s chasing me in my room’
Miniminx was in fits of laughter at this point. I tried to let on I was just hamming it up but I was really petrified.

I looked again, and yet again, it had gone. And then I saw the long legged horror sneak under the stand alone towel rail in the hall.

‘We have to call someone – the bath is going to run over and I’m not going to go in there while this thing is on the loose’
‘I’ll get the phone’
Realising how ridiculous I sounded, and also that I’d never live it down if someone had to sort this out, I momentarily came to my senses.

‘No, no, we can’t do that. I’ll sort this out’ I said trying to be/sound grown up, after behaving like a teenage moron…’Just get in the bathroom’ I said calmly.
She did. I stayed put and reached out to move the towel rail. I slid it around, gingerly, on the axis of one leg. As it gracefully arced in what should have been a revealing pirouette, there was nothing on the carpet. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Nothing!!?? I peeked over the stair rail and looked down at the stairs. There it was. It had jumped down. Great a bloody massive base jumping spider in my house!

‘Oh my god’
‘What?’
‘It’s so big, it’s walking up the bloody stairs.’

I’ve never seen anything like it. Like a horror movie. It was coming for me like the Alien after Sigourney Weaver.

I ran in my bedroom to find a large book – I was going to flatten that thing. Vogue? Too good. Heat? Too trashy. I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence? Big enough? Yes, yes, yes and yes. Ironic enough? Oh bloody hell, Yes.

With a giggling child on the verge of becoming quite scared I had to rein it in. Channelling De Niro in Taxi Driver, I turned the tables on that eight legged piece of nothing. I was going to get it before it got me.

‘Oh come on then! You want some?!’ I shouted at it mockingly as it plodded up the stairs one by one. I turned to see the bemused look on my child’s face, there’s really no turning back once you’ve got this far, I had to follow through to the bitter end instead of giving in to hysteria again.

My heart was pounding. I tried to lighten the moment.
‘We can do this darling! We’re a team!’ I grimaced. ‘We don’t need to be scared.’

Three steps away from the landing, the stairs turn, I could see it, it was on it’s way up and heading to meet me.

‘Where is it?’

Silence.

‘Come on…let me at you….!’

It arrived. I lunged, I slam dunked. I stamped on the book.

We cheered.
We waited to see if the book moved.

I waited ten minutes before picking up the book.
Victory was mine, it was flushed.

And oh hell, the oven was still on….
‘Oh my god, the food’s going to burn…’
More laughter from the bathroom as I ran downstairs like a maniac.

Midweek madness, there’s nothing quite like it.

Oh, and on a good day, I can be quite like Surprised woman….and by the way, sorry Amy, we still love you and your book.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

6 Comments to “amy sedaris and the spider from mars”

  1. That’s some spider! I swear it’s cousin lives in my house.
    .-= A Modern Mother´s last blog ..Cloudy with a high chance of conkers =-.

  2. Love Miniminx’s reactions. You need to train her to take care of the critters!x
    .-= Brit in Bosnia´s last blog ..Dear So and So, Bosnian Version: Part IV =-.

    • admin says:

      Ooh, you mean like some kind of critter-caretaker? I like that idea…although she seems to derive quite a lot of enjoyment out of the whole thing…maybe a gold star chart would help in this particular area of household management….I’ll digest your comment and come back with plan of action ;-)

  3. Oh god I hate them, I was even getting scared reading your post! Trouble with me is, I can’t get close enough to kill them!
    .-= marriedwithfour´s last blog .. =-.

  4. Vero says:

    Oh sweet lord, it really is the season of spiders isn’t it?

    Our cats FIND the spiders and stalk them but never bloody get rid of them for me! I come into the lounge and nearly step onto the little horrors!

    *shudder*
    .-= Vero´s last blog ..Community building means making members feel special | Community Building =-.

    • admin says:

      Hey thanks for dropping by, we’re spider free at the mo, the neighbours are pleased as I’m only letting out the odd squeal these days ;-) )

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge

Best SEO Directory