The life and times of a happy go lucky blogger in London
Yoga – more OMG than Om
Categories: funny

In search of inner peace and tranquility I’ve started to eke out some time in my hectic schedule to do some life affirming exercise.

‘How difficult can it be to get to the gym at 11am?’ I mused as I lay in bed until 10am. By 10.30am, it was time scramble out the door, pushing all thoughts aside that an intermediary Hatha Yoga class might be too much of a stretch.

Mat and block in hand, I prepared for the class by deep breathing. The teacher arrived, I didn’t recognise the teacher, well I wouldn’t, would I after such lengthy absence. Alarm bells were ringing, this was no bubbly, smiley and forgiving yoga bunny. He was small, muscular and obviously a dancer. The class was packed with similar types, except for me, a good five inches taller and probably five years less spritely. He began demonstrating the moves without the hint of a smile or warmth. I was scared, but hey ho and off we went – until I hit a stop.

‘Try and visualise the space between your genitals and anus’ the teacher said.

I looked up and gulped and then pretended to visualise anything else, and breathing deeply pushed all thoughts of anuses and genitals out of my mind.

Ten minutes into the class, our bodies and faces were contorted. I don’t remember yoga being like this I thought. It was then that I caught the eye of someone else. She gave me a nervous smile that broke into a conspiratorial grin. I had to look away for fearing of collapsing into fit of hysterical giggles with my leg stuck behind my ear.

As the class drew on, I was beginning to wonder if I’d last the full 90 minutes. Muddling through, I knew that the real contortions were yet to come.

‘So put your arm down and bring your leg over your elbow like so. And then lift your body with both hands off the floor.’

We all looked at him, the now despised teacher, open mouthed. There were gasps. There were groans.

‘And next we stretch this way.’ He motioned half heartedly, ‘But I can’t do it to the full extent because I’m injured.’

‘What a cheat!’ I howled internally.

He left the room, and everyone stopped, it was akin to a class of naughty school children. He’d pushed us to the point of rebellion. He returned and everyone resumed their poses, he was none the wiser as we continued to twist and bend and stretch. And then it was time for headstands. I don’t like them so opted out. As did nearly everyone else.

It was time to relax and as we all lay on our mats in the shapes of starfish, I heard a trumpeting sound. Someone had farted rather tunefully in our relaxation zone – the atmosphere was ruined in more ways than one.

I bet it was him, it was after all, the only time I saw him smile.

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4 Comments to “Yoga – more OMG than Om”

  1. Caro says:

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  3. Hej Lonse,Der er desværre ikke sÃ¥ meget andet, du kan erstatte det med. Prøv at give bønnerne og linserne en chance – jeg kunne faktisk heller ikke sÃ¥ godt lide dem, da jeg startede. Du kan fÃ¥ mange forskellige slags bønner med forskellig konsistens og smag. Mht linserne, sÃ¥ kan jeg anbefale de røde linser, som du kan koge meget ud og evt blende bagefter. Flere her pÃ¥ siden har ogsÃ¥ anbefalet at bruge en masse krydderier dertil, sÃ¥ de smager bedre.Hilsen Sanne

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